Sitting in the parking lot…reflecting

Photo by akiyoko/iStock / Getty Images
Photo by akiyoko/iStock / Getty Images

I’m sitting here in the wholefoods parking lot. My 3rd trip this week. I’m 40 …. 40. When I was parting in Greece, Egypt, France and New York City did I ever think I’d be sitting here in the wholefoods parking lot for the 3rd time this week, 1 kid deep, wondering what I want from my life. I’ve already done it all and now at 40 I’m enjoying my 3 year old grow. Isn’t that enough? Is it? Do I need more? Do I deserve more? What is more … what does that even mean?

My marriage is great, I love my husband, I’m spiritual, connected, genuinely happy, and my child is pure joy. So why still a bit uncomfortable in my skin, why still unable to conquer fears, dreams, find who I am. Why do I always eat that one cookie that prevents me from meeting my weight goal the next day or look at my phone when I should be reading a book?

I know mostly who I am. I’ve reprogrammed myself from it all. Or so I thought. All the bad parenting, all the damage from dating in nyc, all the negative evil world energy you pick up as you live, as you breath. But still at 40 why am I still longing for something more? Missing something. Needing a different lifestyle, a different life. Why do I get bored just after each new iteration of a new life I create. Am I addicted to creating something new or am I just board with humanity, people, materialism, mom stuff, zombies — so many zombies around me. Do they get it? Do they want more?

I’m so intrigued by this planet and people so why the boredom? Maybe everyone in the suburbs is bored? Maybe I need to grow up? I swore I would never do this. I would never fall into this rut of work, eat, sleep — who had this car and has that dinning room table. Who cares!???! I don’t and I’m bored. You bore me. I’m bored out of my mind!!

But what’s a girl to do? Move to the city lock into 12 years of private school fees? Lock myself into having to work always? Don’t I want more freedom than that? Freedom. That’s a good word ! Do I really feel free anymore. No, no I don’t. Freedom doesn’t really exist with a child. Or maybe it’s my mindset. Maybe I’m conforming to what I think is best for my child and killing who I am in the meantime.

I had dreams and I accomplished them, I traveled the world, became an executive and should be happy to settle into this new life. I am happy — but I want more much much more. More excitement, more interesting things to do, more challenges. More. I thought I was zen. Maybe I’m not.

Maybe I’m nothing. That. I thought I was.

Maybe I’m someone new.

Can you get reincarnated into the same lifetime?

I’m always tired, tired and bored of coming to wholefoods and making dinner menus and working and waking up in the same house.

I want to take my family and have an adventure, explore life, show my daughter the world, love, grow, experience, build an empire — do more. This can’t be it. In one way it’s everything, but why does my skin crawls wanting more. More. I just know I want more. I’ve known that one truth my entire life. But what is more? How the hell do I get it? What is the damn answer??!? It haunts me. I’ve been chasing it for a lifetime and I want answers people!

Will I be 50 and not know? Will I be 60 and not know. How can I create this? How can I make this happen for myself before I die? I must know what more is.

Do you know what your more is?

Please. Tell me.